one to another [muted scream]
feeling like i'm trapped within myself, crying without any tears and forgetting it all again and again. i wish to hear you again, i wish to remember to hear myself, i wish to remember myself, and i wish to hear myself
it's getting weirder and i'm getting duller
well, i'll manage, but it would feel better to manage with you
i'll feel better later, just don't make it worse.
my dream about vidlii
i had an extremely interesting dream about vidlii last night that i wanted to share with everyone, hang on tight because it is wild and it was extremely vivid. i'm surprised i was even able to recall so many details about this dream, details major and minor, including background lore and context.
so myself and a bunch of other big vidlii users were being doxxed, i was going to private tutoring sessions and a house fire at my tutors house had started, which led up to more and more strange events happening surrounding the idea of being stalked and doxxed.
a strange blonde woman had pretty consistently been loitering around the front of the house (which was a really grand and large mansion). she had made weirdly threatening gestures to me, including forcing me to go into the house when i didn't want to, etc. i had thought that she was affiliated with my tutor, who was a really artsy middle aged indian man.
upon noticing the fire, i ran out of the house with great force, only realizing moments after i was far through the yard and nearing the gate of the property that i had left behind some homemade plushes that were very dear to me, among other things such as my thinkpad and thinkpad adapter.
i ran out and my mom and sister had joined me and we had dialed 911. it cuts off there; the next jump enters me interacting with vidlii.
some user called jaxix who i knew was friends with someone called kit had gotten a bunch of users to hijack vidlii, take it down, vandalize it and bring it back up as a malicious website. we ended up being targeted and held hostage in this giant, extremely tall mansion that was surrounded by people from jaxix's group. most people that had accessed the site had become compromised for infected in some sort of way and we had to do whatever we could to protect ourselves.
our xmpps were getting hijacked, our chats being flooded, our profiles on vidlii being vandalized. there was a sort of edgy, scene, old web, eyesore type of aesthetic to the manner in which vidlii was being vandalized, lots of large blinky fonts, comic sans and times new roman everywhere.
people were being impersonated and/or possessed in some way in their physical forms, it was difficult to know who to trust. at some point, the mansion changed on itself, and all of the floors had become repititions of one single floor, and all entrances and exits on every level somehow leading to the ground level outside, some being safe exits and some not, but it was impossible to know which were safe, so we stayed inside. i had my thinkpad and adapter back to my relief, and my friend luc was helping me by carrying my thinkpad and the adapter up the stairs while i led the way. people that were serving jaxix were outside with assault weapons, potentially only there to scare us, since the real damage he was doing was hacking, threatening and hijacking other users and their interactions.
after some sort of reset, we had all been confined to a safer place where there didn't seem to be any windows or exits, but i was reunited with most of my friends. it was a sort of weird crossover being able to interact in person, but also having access to typing over xmpp and also having all of us be organized in a sort of mumble server while we were there physically. i saw my friend lolwut, who owns vidlii, and i ran up to him and began to type "/me hugs" into xmpp, but before i could finish typing he picked me up and hugged me tight. my best friend was there too, and i was having trouble reaching out to him, because his xmpp messages had been hijacked mid-conversation and our chat buffer was being flooded by streams of unformatted data from irc and messages put in by the hackers. i remember it being in a very large font, and i'm pretty sure the font was Go Mono, and there were mixes of colored text in there too. it was really beautiful, but i was pretty concerned. i considered calling my friend, but he hates being called over xmpp so i held off on it. towards the end of being in this area, an intrusive pop up window came up on my vision that prompted me to download an absurd amount of illegal/abuse material, which had automatically been clicked to accept, but somehow i was able to cancel out of it mid-transfer.
after this brief period of safety, i remember a flash of being outside, riding on a train open to the air and passing by urban buildings in broad daylight, in the meanwhile i was still considering the thought of whether or not to call my friend. after that, it cuts, and i've been given an assault rifle.
before being able to use the rifle to defend vidlii and my friends from jaxix and his hacker friends, i was dropped into a short series of inter-dimensional flashbacks into different periods of time where i was given a few chances to test the rifle.
i remember in the first demonstration, i was in a small stone brick structure, completely empty with an open doorway to the outside, where it had been built in a field with vast reaches and completely snowed over. i had two other partners in the building with me that i was given the task of protecting. the perpetrator had approached the doorway and stuck his mp5 inwards over the wall and pointed it in my direction as to check if anyone were there, and my two other partners were fortunately on the other side while i had my assault rifle. i was able to quickly peek forward and fire at his head before he could hurt any of us. the demonstration ended.
in the next demonstration, i was in a field in the middle of some sort of battle. i don't remember much of this but i got through the demonstration, and i was enabled in keeping my rifle and using it to protect my friends.
we had been placed back into the tall mansion with the repeating floors, this time i had my rifle with me. more users were around this time, and more and more of them were being impersonated by jaxix, so i had to be very careful not to let anyone get too close. more and more of them had started infiltrating the mansion. we started seeing and i started remembering vidlii channels that had looked suspicious before the hijack, including scary channels with weird number-only names, weird colors, profile pictures being random operating system icons, no videos. these were the people that i knew were targeting us outside of vidlii before the hijack happened.
after the hijack and at this point of being inside the mansion, me and lolwut realized that our personal sites had been hijacked and vandalized as well and had become malicious, and we had been dethroned as the power over vidlii in favor of jaxix's crowd by his hackers.
i have to admit i don't remember much after this, but i'd like to try and remember that i did end up saving vidlii and everything went back to being safe again, and i have a vague vision of a clear blue sky and sunny day outside my tutor's mansion back after everything had gone back to normal. i remember after everything i went back to see my tutor and i had recovered my dolls that i thought i had gotten destroyed when i left them behind, but the worst damage that they had to them was paint that had melted and stained the fabric from when the house fire had started burning things down. my tutor was showing me some old art he kept of mine from years ago that in my dream i had recognized and even felt excited about, even though i don't think i had painted anything like that in the past in reality. he reflected on my art and made comparisons to other works he had on hand, and it was a really peaceful and sweet way to end the dream.
what i've been up to
as of late i've been asked to do some PHP dev and moderation work for VidLii, something i've found incredibly enjoyable. my good friend owns the site, and i was hesitant at first, but after thinking on it for a while i decided it would be fun to go for it.
other than that, i've started new medicine that has made me incredibly drowsy, but i'm trying to power through it. i haven't taken it for long, but it's been feeling like i'll sleep for the entirety of one day and then be awake for the next.
i'm making big plans in my life right now, and trying to be the best person i can be. i'm having a fine enough time overall despite some hardships, but i'm optimistic that things can work out. i want to take some more time to appreciate all of the friends that have been there for me and i want to always make sure i'm there for them as well.
i've made a decision to quit microblogging in the social aspect, more specifically as to not use platforms like tumblr, the fediverse, twitter, etc. and keep my social circles as tightly knit as possible. i'm not a particularly social person regardless (i'm not so sure that i'm strictly reserved, but i definitely have some sort of introversion) and having so many connections and friendships to maintain is a very tiring thing, even if i do care for all of the people i do interact with.
i suppose i'll sign off of this post, i'll make posts about sillier things in the future, too!
new blog format!
i really wish i could remember to update my blog lol
i think i finally made it look pretty much exactly how i wanted it to look, though!
i hope the animated+tiling background isn't too distracting, i think it's cute
i'll try to post some things about my life as of late that i think have been nice, i'm not sure i want to go into too much detail but i wouldn't mind talking about some stuff a little bit